by Nate Howard
District Superintendent
Some conversations happen so naturally—so easily. Some people can talk all day about …
… the weather…
… food and restaurants…
… sports…
… gossip…
But other conversations are like pulling teeth. And often, the things we find most difficult to talk about are the very things we need to talk about the most.
Why is it so hard to have great conversations about the important stuff? Why do essential conversations—meaningful interaction about significant issues—seem so intrinsically impossible?
You know what I mean? You do if you have ever found yourself in a relational impasse.
I have more memories than I’d want to admit of late nights, side by side in bed with my wife—neither could sleep—neither could talk. The silence was penetrating, palpable, and painful.
Was there something going on? Clearly.
Did we both have thoughts about it? Without a doubt.
Was anyone talking about it? Not a word.
Can you relate?
Why the silence?
I’m not sure why so many of us tend to clam up, but I have some guesses. Maybe retreating into a shell provides an illusion of safety. Maybe silence holds the hope of protection. Maybe if we don’t mention what is going on, we will find whatever we are struggling with doesn’t really exist (aka denial). Maybe we don’t know where to start. Maybe we’ve been in this situation so many times, haven’t made progress, and we feel, “what’s the use.” Maybe we’re afraid we won’t be able to corral our emotions once we begin to express all that we have suppressed. Maybe we’re afraid we’ll say the wrong thing and make things worse.
Probably, your stories of relational impasse are similar to ours. Through all our late-night silent struggles, God somehow helped Sharon and me find a way to have those challenging conversations about the significant things happening in our marriage. As we did, what seemed impossible, became the doorway to new insight, new hope, new patterns, new life. We haven’t yet found perfection nor a problem-free life, but our growth seems to always be linked to those essential conversations.
Like marriage, like church
“Often the things we find most difficult to talk about are the very things we need to talk about the most.”
Actually, this is not a blog about how talking things through in marriage is both challenging and fruitful. It’s a call to engage in those kinds of essential conversations in the church. I’m simply introducing the theme through marriage because I’m guessing the patterns in our marriages tend to bleed over in similar ways in our churches.
In the same way, hiding in silence can provide the illusion of protection in our marriage, there are things going on in our churches we might tend to hide from, but which desperately need a good talk. Can you think of some things that need addressing? Here’s a start …
What is the essential end of all we are doing in church ministry? How effective are we at that?
Are we measuring and celebrating what is most important?
How does the current structure of our church help us or hinder us from our essential end?
What “barnacles” has our church picked up over the years that need to be cut off?
What things need addressing that we are just too afraid to touch—afraid if we do, people will walk away?
Given its once-in-a-lifetime level of intensity, COVID has acted as a spotlight to shine on some rather disturbing ruling agendas in the heart of our churches. What remained tucked away pre-COVID came crashing through the surface over 2020. What would you say the pandemic has revealed about some of the ruling values within your congregation? What has it revealed about your own highest values?
Pretty much everyone I’ve talked to would agree that we all have felt COVID brought out some concerning patterns in our churches. What have we learned? What needs to be addressed?
Like healthy marriages, healthy churches find ways to talk about the important stuff. Even if we find it uneasy, unnatural, or unsettling.
As District leaders, we hope to facilitate such conversations. That’s why we have created the Essentials Podcast. As you walk with us through each monthly episode, we hope our honest conversation will spark an honest conversation among you and your leaders.
The podcast has potential to be developmental—not because we have all the answers but because we are convinced there are some important things to talk about where …
We don’t have to be afraid.
We don’t have to be perfect.
We don’t have to fix everything in a moment.
And we want to facilitate the conversation because we are convinced talking about what is essential is a path to life—for us and our churches.
Listen to the Essentials Podcast now at www.epdalliance.org/essentials.